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Another Long Night...
July 20, 2002 9:05 pm

A very sad day. My poor baby was so bad off this morning. She could barely walk. Not eating made her very confused, so she'd been crying a lot when she couldn't find us over the past two days (I was up about every hour trying to comfort her). Just before we left, I found her hiding behind the toilet. I pulled her out and held her like a baby. She just laid in my arms with her head resting against my chest. She never laid like that when she was healthy. In fact, she hated that position. But this morning I got to hold my little one in that position. I thought it was only fitting that I held her like that, truly like a little baby--so helpless and needing and trusting us to make things alright for her, in the same way a baby trusts her parents. So we went to the vet's and they were waiting for us. Ushered us back to a room we'd never been in. From the looks of it, I think its only used for putting animals down. :( We cuddled her and said our goodbyes again before they came in. The procedure was so quick. I thought it'd take longer. I didn't get to tell her that I loved her one more time. But she knew, I hope. I knelt down and looked in her eyes as it was happening, so she knew she wasn't alone. After her heart stopped, they left us alone and we both broke down. It was horrible. Suddenly I got really hot (I'm not sure if it really was warm in there or if it was the emotions) and threw up. Went to the bathroom and cleaned up and then came back. Jim told me to tell him when I was ready but there was no way I'd ever be ready to leave her. I just wanted to pick her up and hold her and kiss her and love on her some more. I'd still be sitting there doing it if I could. She looked so lonely on the table. We had wrapped her in her favorite shirt of Jim's to bring her there. Anytime we had to leave her for the weekend or when we'd board her, Jim would sleep in that shirt the night before so she could have his scent. We had it under her during the procedure and afterwards I covered her up in it. We said our goodbyes and love yous one more time and then left the room. Leaving the room was harder than anything up to that moment. I felt so horrible leaving her there. On our way out, the two techs came and gave me a hug. And the vet came out again and had a tear in his eyes.

We got into the car and just sobbed. Got home and neither of us wanted to be the first to go into the lonely apartment. We came in and sat down and held each other. I had cleaned up a lot of her stuff already but her food bowl and water fountain were still out, so Jim cleaned those things up. I hadn't yet, as I wasn't sure if Jim would want me too. He had wanted to get that fountain for her for about a year but I kept holding off because I didn't think she needed it. Seemed frivolous. We finally got it about six weeks ago and she loved it. I wish now that I'd gotten it earlier. Her toys are all in her toy basket but that is still sitting out. I'm not ready to see an empty spot where her beloved toy basket is. :( I'm sure there are a few more of her balls to find (she LOVED them).

I took a nap this afternoon (I really haven't slept more than 2-3 hours at a time in the past 10 days) while Jim distracted himself on the computer. He had a boys' night out tonight, so he's there. I've been trying to keep myself busy (rearranged the living room!) and watched some TV. But now its that lonely time when Jim usually goes to bed and KC comes to spend some time with her mommy. But there will no longer be KC/Mommy time at night--playing on the computer and watching Lifetime movies and FoodTV and TLC. No more her coming to wake me at 5:30 for playtime. No more snuggling on my chest. No more any of that. :( I keep expecting to see her come walking through the living room in her princess KC strut or making her way up onto the computer desk to sit with me. And a couple times I thought I heard her crying.

I've had a couple people call to check on me tonight and a few ICQ/IM messages from people letting me know they're available. I had posted about it on my Disney boards (you can read my thread at here) and the outpouring of support has been amazing. I've received so many e-mails and private messages and e-cards. The support I've received from so many places has been truly overwhelming. If you're one of those people who has offered your support, condolences, etc...THANK YOU! It truly has meant a lot.


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