Tonight I went to the first in a series of pre-deployment meetings. I was okay through most of it. But at the end they gave out a calendar of everything the guys will be doing between now and deployment. The days are so few and the list is so long. :(

I know this is what we signed up to do and it isn't as though this deployment is a shock (how could it have been when he signed up just a few weeks before the war started?). And I know I'm not the first person to send her husband off to war or to have her baby while he's off fighting a war or to have her baby 2000+ miles away from family. And I know others have done it all quite succesfully. I just don't know how *I* am to do it. School doesn't teach you how to send your husband to war. Life doesn't teach you that.

"They" say you shouldn't withdraw from others. That you should keep in contact with family and friends. And keep the lines of communication open with your husband. But all I want to do is crawl into a corner somewhere and shut down. I don't want to think, I don't want to talk, I don't want to explain myself or my feelings. I don't want to hear people tell me I'll be fine or that my husband will be fine. Life has no guarantees. I don't want to hear people tell me this is his job I know that all too well or that he signed up with eyes wide open I know that all too well also. I just want to cry and throw things and lose myself in the TV or a book and hit a punching bag and hide from reality.

In my heart, I know I will be okay. It is just getting from today until then that I don't know how to do. *sigh*

When we had to plan out his funeral a couple months ago (where to be buried, where to have the remains sent, cremated or not, organ donation or not, music, pallbearers, etc...), I broke down and had a rough few days. And then I was okay. But from here on out, I think the rough days are going to outnumber the good ones.


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